TV or Not TV
The Olam haBlog is buzzing. Now that so many others have put in their two cents on the issue, it’s time I took a stab at it. It seems like most of the discussion has been by people significantly older than me. Well, here’s the situation from a relatively *young* little twat like me.
Recently, while attempting to clean my room (now that’s what I’d call “Mission: Impossible”), I leafed through my middle school yearbook. Let’s just say that most of the girls who signed wrote one of the following things: “Matt rules and Leo drools!” or “Dawson’s Creek Rocks!” This was Bais Yaakov Middle School no less. Needless to say looking back, I wasn’t very impressed with myself.
It wasn’t until I got to college that I quit all my favorite show—because I realized it was such a waste of time. For the first time in my life, I actually had A LOT of work to do and just didn’t need the distraction. I still do watch some TV occasionally, including the news, but I no longer follow any show regularly.
I certainly commend those who have pulled the plug in their own homes. However, I get a bit annoyed when people use owning a TV as some sort of religious litmus test. Now in addition to asking what kind of tablecloth you use on Shabbos, the new standard seems to be whether or not you would watch TV. Now, I’ve certainly been posed sillier questions. But I guess I don’t consider it to be a “make-it-or-break-it” issue. Though I’m not intent on having a TV in my house, I wouldn’t nix a guy just because might want one. It just seems a bit too trivial.
But here’s the part that really got under my skin. A friend of mine told me that if you’re someone who’s not anti-TV, but could certainly live without one, you have to lie and say you wouldn’t allow a TV in your home under any circumstances, since the boys comparable to you are also instructed to lie. That’s how the game works, period. Sigh…
Recently, while attempting to clean my room (now that’s what I’d call “Mission: Impossible”), I leafed through my middle school yearbook. Let’s just say that most of the girls who signed wrote one of the following things: “Matt rules and Leo drools!” or “Dawson’s Creek Rocks!” This was Bais Yaakov Middle School no less. Needless to say looking back, I wasn’t very impressed with myself.
It wasn’t until I got to college that I quit all my favorite show—because I realized it was such a waste of time. For the first time in my life, I actually had A LOT of work to do and just didn’t need the distraction. I still do watch some TV occasionally, including the news, but I no longer follow any show regularly.
I certainly commend those who have pulled the plug in their own homes. However, I get a bit annoyed when people use owning a TV as some sort of religious litmus test. Now in addition to asking what kind of tablecloth you use on Shabbos, the new standard seems to be whether or not you would watch TV. Now, I’ve certainly been posed sillier questions. But I guess I don’t consider it to be a “make-it-or-break-it” issue. Though I’m not intent on having a TV in my house, I wouldn’t nix a guy just because might want one. It just seems a bit too trivial.
But here’s the part that really got under my skin. A friend of mine told me that if you’re someone who’s not anti-TV, but could certainly live without one, you have to lie and say you wouldn’t allow a TV in your home under any circumstances, since the boys comparable to you are also instructed to lie. That’s how the game works, period. Sigh…
posted by Devorah @ 11:30 PM
7 Comments:
At 1:04 AM,
Devorah said…
I find I use the words "lying" and "shidduchim" in the same sentence all too often. If I could change the world, I would.
At 1:09 AM,
Devorah said…
Hey Leati! Apparently you removed your previous comment, rendering my response a bit confusing. Ah, well. As for your other comment: Suffice it to say that a *more experienced* girl was giving my friend the rundown. This is my synopsis, somewhat paraphrased.
At 4:33 AM,
Keren Perles said…
Hmmm...Just to make this a bit more controversial (as I'm sure you expected me to do, Devorah), I agree with specific people saying that they'd like to use the "TV question" as one of the many "litmus tests" in shidduchim. Not the ONLY one, but one of them. And do you know what? Maybe, as much as I hate to say it, asking the white tablecloth question has its place too. *defends herself from flying tomatoes*. Okay, okay fine, I take that back. But what if the tablecloth question weren't "what kind of tablecloth does her mother use" but rather "what kind of tablecloth would she be willing to use in our house?" Now, for me that would be a nitpicky question. But for someone who truly believes that a beautiful white tablecloth is a necessity for the kavod of Shabbos, and he won't be happy otherwise, why should he marry someone who REFUSES to use one? Granted, he's being particular, but that's his perogative. And it's HER perogative to say "fine, so I'll give in on that" if she wants to.
So what's the diff between that and the "TV question"? If I (and yes, this DOES apply to me) would be miserable if my house had a TV, what's wrong with me saying "he must not want one in our house?" The same way if for some reason I have a problem with a guy who was shorter than me (which I don't think I do), there would be nothing wrong with me saying "he must be taller than 5'4""?
At 10:37 AM,
Eli7 said…
Stx- as much as you're right that if you would be absolutely miserable with a guy shorter than you, you shouldn't marry him, that feeling would be indicative of your own completely skewed priorities. so maybe you're right that ppl ask these questions because they're important to them and they absolutely couldn't live with a girl who doesn't want to use a white tablecolth on shabbos. but take a step back for a minute, how ridiculous does that sound? Leati is right when she say s that it's the important things that should go through the shadchan. pardon me, but i don't think the color of my tablecloth is incredibly important. and it certainly isn't in the top 10 things that are most important for me in a guy. and while, at least to me, tv is a bigger deal than is the tablecloth thing, it's still not one of those do-or-die issues. there are sooooooo many important things that will determine whether or not you and a guy are compatible. why worry about the lowest priorities. and stx, the question isn't what you yourself would do, it's what your mother does, which is a poor measure of what you would do anyway. very many of us are very different than are parents. should the fact that perhaps we are more frum than are parents make it harder for us to find the right guy within the shidduch world. that doesn't make any sense to me! but then neither does the entire shidduch system...
At 3:07 AM,
Keren Perles said…
Right, so for YOU, TV isn't a do-or-die issue. But just like for YOU living in, say, Israel may not be a do-or-die issue, can you understand why for other people it would be? Or just like for YOU whether they have long peyos is a do-or-die issue, maybe somone else would say "but what's the difference what he looks like on the outside? That girl's got her priorities mixed up!"
And maybe we don't have our priorities completely straight. Any of us. But we still have our priorities and to go out with somebody who completely clashes with everything you want in your life (of which, yes, TV can make a big difference for some people) is pointless, a waste of time and emotional energy, and unfair to the guy.
Anyone wanna take this one outside? ;)
At 3:09 AM,
Keren Perles said…
P.S. Leati--did you really get asked that? About the clearing off the table thing? The only thing that I could think of is that some people say clearing off can be a problem of borer...the silverware mixed with the leftover food and all...Other than that, maybe it's more "high class" to do one at a time? No idea...Can anyone else shed some light on this for us?
At 1:47 PM,
Eli7 said…
So, the clearing the table thing is all about how much you value your belongings - if you clear your dishes off one at a time then you value them more (perhaps they'remore likely to be real which says soemthing about your financial situation?)since you're less likely to chip your dishes if you carry them in to the kitchen one at a time. and stx, i do hear your issue about priorities, i just don't see why that should be at the top of anyone's list. i mean, personally i'm kinda ambivalent about it and could live either way (now that The Practice has ended anyway) and would date both types of guys. i don't know, for me do-or-die issues that would determine whether or not i'd date a guy include things like how commited they are to judaism and halacha. whether they go to minyan everyday, whether they make time to learn, whether they feel a passion for judaism, whether they're willing to sacrifice certain things to lead a life that is devoted to Torah, whether they'd be able to imbue that sense of pride in judaism to kids. those are my do-or-die issues, which is not to say things like a black hat or peyos might make me feel uncomfortable - they would - but i do realize that those are not the top of my list. when you decide not to date someone before even meeting him because he'd have a tv in his house, you're cheating yourself by making something that is not the biggest deal ever into a really big deal. at least give the guy a shot - maybe he just can't give up monday night football. is that the worst thing ever?
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